To the man I may one day love

To the man I may one day love,

            Please be patient with me. When I push you away, when I reinforce my old walls, when I doubt your intentions, be kind. I know it’s a lot to ask. I know I don’t make things easy. But it isn’t entirely my fault. I was not born with trust issues.

            At age ten, I was molested by a classmate at school. At the time, it made me cry and I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t understand what had happened to me and I tried to forget all about it. My best friend, however, understood and she told my teacher who called me a liar. Said I was desperate for attention. The memory has been pushed so far to the back of my mind that I don’t even remember all the details. But I can recall the anger, the fear, hiding out in a school bathroom for twenty minutes afterward. And his name. One I won’t forget.

            Six years later, my boyfriend’s best friend took a liking to me. He would incessantly text me, always needed to know my whereabouts, and got irrationally angry when I didn’t invite him to hang out. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost a sense of protection. This boy persisted and I told my friends I was uncomfortable. I avoided the school bus that he also rode on and contemplated blocking his number. My girl friends said I was being ridiculous – they would kill for a guy to like them this much. He was just being nice. But even though it’d been some time, I still recognized the sinking feeling in my stomach that made my intestines coil up against each other.

            I trust my instincts now. I assume the worst while outside at night. I trained my body to be able to defend itself. Allowing a man to touch my body is a bigger deal to me than he’ll ever understand. Fully trusting a man is a challenge I have yet to achieve.

            And I apologize for that. I’d like to think I’m worth the wait, worth the extra effort, but I also get you may not want the broken girl who has nightmares from elementary school. But I hope to love you one day, and to trust you, and to touch you like none of this ever happened.

                                                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                                                              Still Frightened 


The creator of this piece has requested to remain anonymous.